Friday, September 12, 2003

As mentioned in yesterday’s crass and tasteless post, today is my 25th birthday. There’s an entire cottage industry built around the premise that the date of your birthday is significant, that it tells something about you as a person. So I figured I’d put that idea to the test. I’ve picked out various celebrities born on September 12th and compared them to me, using a scientific similarity scale that is completely arbitrary and made up on the spot.

H.L. Mencken
Similarities: Reflexive cynicism, misanthropy, born in Maryland.
Differences: Mencken hated Jews and blacks in particular, I hate people of all ethnic groups equally.
Similarity score: 67

George Jones
Similarities: Brief, tempestuous marriage to Tammy Wynette. Inability to keep scheduled appointments.
Differences: I have never driven a lawnmower to a bar. (I did end up passed out next to a weed whacker once, but that’s another story.) Also, there’s that whole matter of George Jones being the best country singer ever and me having the vocal range of that guy in Trio who sang “Da Da Da.”
Similarity score: 40

Peter Scolari
Similarities: We’re both dorky white guys. We both performed in drag with Tom Hanks, although my performance has yet to be nationally televised. (Maybe on Fox’s “World’s Funniest Celebrity Blackmail Videos” this fall.)
Differences: Peter Scolari is still a somewhat successful character actor, whereas I am blacklisted from the entertainment industry for my ardent support of Lyndon LaRouche.
Similarity score: 48

Jesse Owens
Similarities: Burning hatred of Nazis.
Differences: Jesse Owens was one of the greatest Olympic runners of all time, I get winded walking across a parking lot in 90 degree weather.
Similarity score: 31

Barry White
Similarities: We both love the sexy slither of a lady snake.
Differences: Barry White - famous for his deep voice, me - notorious for my thin, reedy, annoying monotone.
Similarity score: 38

Maurice Chevalier
Similarities: None, really.
Differences: At least I would never sing anything as nauseatingly treacly or sleazy as “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.”
Similarity score: 11

So, there you have it - conclusive proof that people born on the same day have nothing in common and that astrology is a pointless waste of time. Next week, I’ll continue debunking leftover superstitions from the Middle Ages with my indepth, firsthand look at the world of trepanning.

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