Sunday, August 17, 2003

As a public service to the zero regular readers of this blog from California, the Vitamin B Glandular Show presents a truncated voters guide to the candidates for the California governor’s race. Please print this out and take it with you to the polls on Election Day:

Gray Davis
PUBLIC PERSONA: Bland, spineless nonentity.
FUTURE: Bleak.
WHAT HE SHOULD DO: Bring back the glory days of California under Jerry Brown by hosting nightly coke parties in the governor’s mansion with members of the Eagles and Linda Ronstadt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
QUALIFICATIONS: Five minute conversation with one of the Kennedys at a Shriver family event.
WOULD PREFER YOU NOT MENTION: Hercules in New York, Junior, Jingle All the Way.
BIGGEST HURDLE TO OVERCOME: Americans will expect more from their elected officials than a unqualified, not too bright man who can barely speak the English language.
CAMPAIGN STRATEGY: If trailing near election day, will go back in time to kill Gray Davis.

Cruz Bustamante
CURRENT JOB: Lieutenant Governor, a job which usually entails cutting the ribbons for interstate off ramps and waiting for the governor to die or be recalled. Cruz is now living the Lieutenant Governor’s dream.
SORTA LOOKS LIKE: The Dunkin’ Donuts guy, plus 100 pounds.
REASON NOT TO VOTE FOR HIM: Proudly displays a picture of himself with Paul Rodriguez on his website.

Gary Coleman
MAJOR GOALS AS GOVERNOR: Put that creep Mr. Horton behind bars, kick the ass of that ripoff little punk Emmanuel Lewis.
WHY HE WON’T WIN: Protracted legal battle with parents over his Diff’rent Strokes earnings will alienate parents of child actors, who represent 11% of the Californian electorate.
CHIEF LIABILITY: Near the end of the Coleman administration, state executives will introduce a younger, cuter Lieutenant Governor to boost flagging approval ratings.

Arianna Huffington
CHIEF DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTIC: Comically indecipherable accent makes Schwarzenegger sound like Garrison Keillor in comparison.
BEST CHANCE OF VICTORY: Courting the sizable “woman in sham marriage with closeted homosexual for personal gain” vote in California.
CHIEF LIABILITY: I agree with almost everything she supports now, but given her erratic political mood swings, she’ll probably be a full-on Randroid Libertarian in a couple of years’ time.

Larry Flynt
MOST NOTED FOR: Making supporters of the First Amendment feel guilty and ashamed for defending him.
CREEPINESS LEVEL: Even for a pornographer, extraordinarily high.
WHY HE MUST BE STOPPED: After Governor Flynt, the Al Goldstein and Max Hardcore runs for high office are not far behind.

Mary Carey
PROFESSION: Porn actress.
TITS: Not real.
MOST SIGNIFICANT FOR: Adding to the “insane Italian election” vibe of the California governor’s race.

Diana Beall Templin
TURN-ONS: Guns, smashing the church-state barrier.
TURN-OFFS: Gays, budget deficits.

PLATFORM: Variations of the “hey, this traffic sure is awful” or “hey, these politicians sure do make too much money” gags that have delighted millions of stupid Americans.
SHOULD BE BEATEN REPEATEDLY WITH: A rusty farm implement, or maybe a seven-iron.
UNRELATED, BUT I THOUGHT I’D MENTION IT ANYWAY: The only thing more pathetic than Gallagher is Gallagher II, the guy who is related to the original Gallagher and borrowed his act or something. The fact that there is enough of a demand for not one, but two fucking Gallaghers in this country ought to be enough to take aback even the most ardent “America is #1” zealot.

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