Sunday, August 03, 2003

As part of our neverending attempt to provide a thin veneer of culture over this otherwise lunkheaded enterprise, the Vitamin B Glandular Show is moderately pleased to bring you a new segment, Culture for Internet Subcultures. Today, we bring you an excerpt from James Joyce's classic novel Ulysses translated entirely into l33tsp33k. I think you'll find that Joyce's rich, enveloping prose style takes on a new significance when translated into a language used by Mountain Dew-chugging, outside light-eschewing hax0rs. (Translation courtesy of this site.)

he 5@ 0n 4 k0rner 0f 7eh unl17 de5k, re4d1n' 4l0ud j0yfully:

-- 7eh 5en71men74l157 12 he wh0 w0uld enj0y w17h0u7 1nkurr1n' 7eh 1mmen2e de870r5h1p ph0r 4 7h1n' d0ne. 519ned: ded4lu2. where d1d j00 l4unch 17 phr0m? 7eh k1p2? n0. k0lle9e 9reen. h4ve j00 drunk 7eh ph0ur kw1d? 7eh 4un7 12 901n' 70 k4ll 0n ur un5u8574n714l ph47her. 7ele9r4m! m4l4ch1 mull194n, 7eh 5h1p, l0wer 488ey 57ree7. 0, j00 peerle55 mummer! 0, j00 pr1e571f1ed k1nch17e!

j0yfully he 7hru57 me5549e 4nd envel0pe 1n70 4 p0cke7 8u7 keened 1n kwerul0u2 8r09ue:

-- 17'2 wh@ 1'm 7ell1n' j00, m157er h0ney, 17'2 kweer 4nd 51ck we were, h41ne2 4nd my5elf, 7eh 71me h1m5elf 8r0u9h7 17 1n. '7w42 murmur we d1d ph0r 4 94llu2 p0710n w0uld r0u2e 4 phr14r, 1'm 7h1nk1n', 4nd he l1mp w17h lech1n'. 4nd we 0ne h0ur 4nd 7w0 h0ur2 4nd 7hree h0ur2 1n k0nnery'2 51771n' c1v1l w4171n' ph0r p1n72 4p1ece.

he w41led:

-- 4nd we 70 8e 7here, m4vr0ne, 4nd j00 70 8e un8ekn0wn57 5end1n' u2 ur k0n9l0mer4710n2 7eh w4y we 70 h4ve 0ur 70n9ue2 0u7 4 y4rd l0n9 l1ke 7eh dr0u7hy cler1c2 d0 8e ph41n71n' ph0r 4 pu55ful.

57ephen l4u9hed.

kw1ckly, w4rn1n9fully 8uck mull194n 8en7 d0wn:

-- 7eh 7r4mper 5yn9e 12 l00k1n' ph0r j00, he 541d, 70 murder j00. he he4rd j00 p155ed 0n h12 h4lld00r 1n 9l457hule. he'2 0u7 1n p4mp0071e2 70 murder j00.

-- me! 57ephen excl41med. 7h@ w42 ur k0n7r18u710n 70 l17er47ure.

8uck mull194n 9leefully 8en7 84ck, l4u9h1n' 70 7eh d4rk e4ve5dr0pp1n' ce1l1n'.

-- murder j00! he l4u9hed.

h4r5h 94r90yle ph4ce 7h@ w4rred 4941n57 me 0ver 0ur me55 0f h45h 0f l19h72 1n rue 541n7-4ndré-de5-4r72. 1n w0rd2 0f w0rd2 ph0r w0rd2, p4l48r42. 0151n w17h p47r1ck. ph4unm4n he me7 1n cl4m4r7 w00d2, 8r4nd15h1n' 4 w1ne8077le. c'e57 vendred1 541n7! mur7her1n' 1r15h. h12 1m49e, w4nder1n', he me7. 1 m1ne. 1 me7 4 ph00l 1' 7eh ph0re57.

-- mr ly57er, 4 477end4n7 541d phr0m 7eh d00r 4j4r.

-- ... 1n wh1ch every0ne k4n ph1nd h12 0wn. 50 mr ju571ce m4dden 1n h12 d14ry 0f m457er w1ll14m 51lence h42 ph0und 7eh hun71n' 7erm2... ye2? wh@ 12 17?

-- 7here'2 4 9en7lem4n here, 51r, 7eh 477end4n7 541d, k0m1n' ph0rw4rd 4nd 0ffer1n' 4 k4rd. phr0m 7eh phreem4n. he w4n72 70 5ee 7eh ph1le2 0f 7eh k1lkenny pe0ple ph0r l457 ye4r.

-- cer741nly, cer741nly, cer741nly. 12 7eh 9en7lem4n...?

he 700k 7eh e49er k4rd, 9l4nced, n07 54w, l41d d0wn un9l4nced, l00ked, 45ked, cre4ked, 45ked:

-- 12 he...? 0, 7here!

8r15k 1n 4 94ll14rd he w42 0ff, 0u7. 1n 7eh d4yl17 k0rr1d0r he 74lked w17h v0lu8le p41n2 0f 2e4l, 1n du7y 80und, m057 ph41r, m057 k1nd, m057 h0ne57 8r04d8r1m.

-- 7h12 9en7lem4n? phreem4n'2 j0urn4l? k1lkenny pe0ple? 70 8e 5ure. 900d d4y, 51r. k1lkenny... we h4ve cer741nly...

4 p471en7 51lh0ue77e w417ed, l157en1n'.

-- 4ll 7eh le4d1n' pr0v1nc14l... n0r7hern wh19, k0rk ex4m1ner, enn15k0r7hy 9u4rd14n, l457 ye4r. 1903... w1ll j00 ple42e...? ev4n2, k0nduc7 7h12 9en7lem4n... 1f j00 ju57 ph0ll0w 7eh 477en... 0r ple42e 4ll0w me... 7h12 w4y... ple42e, 51r...

v0lu8le, du71ful, he led 7eh w4y 70 4ll 7eh pr0v1nc14l p4per2, 4 80w1n' d4rk ph19ure ph0ll0w1n' h12 h457y heel2.

7he d00r cl05ed.

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