Snappy answers to stupid church slogans:

- No God, no peace. Know God, know peace. (Yeah, I’ve always wanted to live in a peaceful, intensely religious place - the West Bank, the Gaza Strip…)

- When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright. (My definition of “alright” wouldn’t include “spending three days surrounded by whale shit,” but that’s just me.)

- Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside! (Embrace the sweet release of death! Free Kool-Aid for the kids!) or (Free trip with purchase of any trip to heaven of equal or lesser value. Limit 3 per purchase. Offer not valid in Tennessee.)

- Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! (Our lisping plastic surgeon will take years off of your appearance.)

- People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. (And like tea bags, you can’t do anything with them once their skin breaks and their insides spill all over the place.)

- Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives (Free Bible cleaning clinic for our parishioners. Lemon Pledge available in bulk.)

- Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily. (You can’t find scriptural justification for whatever halfassed theory you’ve come up with unless you read over the book every day.)

- It’s a child, not a choice.* (Only because “It’s a political football that we’ll use to club over the head of our opponents, not a choice” wouldn’t fit on the bumpersticker.)

*not technically on that site I linked to, but I fucking hate that slogan so much I had to include it