Good evening, supporters of my campaign. As you know, we did not win tonight's New Hampshire primary. In fact, we placed ninth. Somehow, I finished with fewer votes than Al Sharpton, Dick Gephardt or write-in votes for Martin Sheen. Not even Josiah Bartlett, the president character that Martin Sheen portrays on The West Wing, but Martin Sheen the actor. Clearly, the people have spoken, and I would like to announce my resignation from the presidential race.
I would like to apologize to my supporters, who wasted valuable time and money on my hopelessly inept campaign. You spent hours away from your friends and loved ones, all so I could finish with one percent of the vote in a tiny, insignificant, homogenous state. In particular, I'd like to apologize to the college volunteers, who could've been enjoying illegal drinking and casual sex at their respective campuses instead of stuffing envelopes or having doors slammed in their faces in the streets of Concord. Our campaign's bitter failure will no doubt leave you disillusioned and will cause your complete withdrawal from the political process, and for that I am truly sorry.
I would also like to apologize to all of the voters of New Hampshire that I personally annoyed and bothered over the past month with my fumbling, incompetent attempts to garner support. In particular, I'd like to apologize to Nancy Fulton of Pelham, to whom I inadvertently blurted out the comment that she "sure had a lovely chest." In my defense, I only had three hours of sleep and was juiced up on some combination of dexedrine and Mexican over-the-counter stimulents given to me by a young campaign worker. Still, my comments were indefensible, and I apologize.
Most importantly, I'd like to thank my lovely wife, whose barely restrained disgust for the rigors of campaigning has caused an undoubtedly irrepairable rift in our already strained marriage. I can only hope that she'll continue to be the same classy, elegant figure during our upcoming public divorce proceedings. I'm also sorry that the Manchester Union-Leader ran all of those pictures from her high school yearbook, before she lost all the weight.
I leave you with a story. When I was a young boy, my mother told me that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be, even president of the United States. Throughout my life, my mother's words gave me inspiration and made me believe that I could make my dreams come true. Obviously, I was wrong. In fact, I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to do this. God, I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
(bangs head repeatedly on podium)
Well, I'm told that the Merrimack Dodge dealers need the room for their annual "Rev Up the Sales" pep talk, so thank you to everyone for showing up. And please don't take all of the snacks on the beverage cart, I don't have enough spare change left over to buy breakfast.