Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "I recognize that guy, but I can't quite place where I've seen him." Maybe this'll jog your memory: "Lauren, I am honored to be the one out of thirty contestants chosen to join you in sacred matrimony." Yeah, that's right. I was the guy who won the Million Dollar Marriage reality show last June. Well, obviously, things didn't turn out "happily ever after" like the commercials promised. We've been separated for three months, the divorce'll be final next month. Our agent pitched the divorce proceedings to the networks, but no such luck. So, I'm just looking for work, trying to make it back into the big leagues.

Oh, y'know, it was pretty exciting at first. We hit the talk show circuit, did the mall-and-supermarket tour of middle America, wrote the book "Eighty Ways to a Successful Instant Televised Marriage..." Man, we were riding high. We were American Idol quarterfinalist-famous. People respected us. And then the new reality shows came on the air, and all of a sudden we were yesterday's news. That fuckin' midget, I swear to God I'll kick him in the shins if I ever meet him and if I can find them. And once the fame wore off, the reality settled in that I was married to a complete stranger who I had nothing in common with besides a shared love of fame. Yeah, you think it's "ironic," huh? I have another word for it - living torture.

The money? Hell, we blew through the money in a month's time. Bought this house in Hollywood that was once owned by David Ogden Stiers, a fleet of Aston Martins (one for each bastard I beat out to win the contest), and as many chemical skin peels as the human body is allowed. We had everything dipped in gold - trash cans, pencils, bars of soap - just because we could. Our stuff will be up for sale at the bankruptcy auction, if you're interested.

Sure, I've got regrets. Wish I had hit on a few more models at those Hollywood parties. Sure wish I hadn't invested in that line of reality-themed pizza parlors with Kelly Clarkson and the guy from the European Joe Millionaire. But I'd do it all over again if I had to. I've got an audition for a Lay's potato chip commercial next week - you think I would've gotten that if I was still working in the insurance racket? Yeah, it's only a radio voiceover spot, but it's a start. And if I can just hold on a few more years, that retro-2000s wave is gonna crest up and sweep me right back into the public eye. VH-1 spots, infomercials for 00s hits CDs and "The Atkins Diet is Back," a whole line of t-shirt decals and sew-on patches for the hip crowd...I've got it all planned out, man.

Oh, by the way, could you do me a favor and pick up the tab for this round? C'mon, man, I gave you a great inside story on one of 2003's hottest reality shows. Besides, I'm saving up for new headshots and teeth whitening - the treatment they gave me during the show wore off.

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