Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I'm callin' you out, Charlie Kaufman. Your screenplay of the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind may be critically acclaimed and beloved by audiences, but it bears disturbing similarities to my as-yet-unfilmed script also centering around the concept of removing memories from the brain.

OK, I'll admit there are a few superficial differences. My script is entitled The Head Eraser Caper and features a wacky, nerdy mad scientist (to be played by either the Urkel kid or Eddie Deezen, based on availability) who invents a device that erases the memories of lovely, buxom young lasses. Our hero (hopefully Corey Haim, if we can get him out of rehab in time) uses the device to score with all the women who had once responded to his advances with a knee in the groin. But an evil company steals the gadget and uses it as part of a plan to take over the world by creating an army of remorseless (yet very hot) babes who kill with impunity while wearing sheer nightgowns. Our heroes thwart the plan (I won't disclose how - I'll just say it involves a sack race and the world's largest supply of chili) and become international idols.

See, it's the same idea, essentially. All right, maybe your film didn't have a pie throwing scene or the third act where the entire cast went to Tijuana to lose their virginities to some Mexican prostitutes. But besides that, I call shenanigans. And since you're one of the few people in Hollywood whose ass I'm reasonably sure I could kick, you'd best watch your back.

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