While performing yet another random Google search, I found this - a page of video clips of those Saturday morning PSAs the networks ran in the late 70s through the 80s. Most memorable are the ones featuring Timer, a rotund orange cartoon creature who was ubiquitous during the terrible ABC cartoons of my youth. Let's journey back into the past for a moment and relive the glory days of ineffectual attempts to make kids take notice of their health sandwiched between ads for Sugar Encrusted Remnants of Corn Meal and Carmelized Fruit-Flavored Chewable Snack Products:
"Hanker for a Hunka Cheese" - Anyone who was a sentient, TV viewing child in the United States of America between 1978 and 1988 knows this thing word for word and has probably had the jingle stuck in their head during an inopportune time, like a history exam or a relative's funeral. But this PSA also proves that far from a charming 70s retro character, Timer was a spokesthing far ahead of his time. By urging kids to nourish themselves by shoveling cheese into their gaping maws, Timer presaged the Atkins diet by over two decades.
"You Are What You Eat" - Timer parlayed the earnings from his early PSA appearances into a string of cattle ranches in southeast Wyoming. From then on, Timer would use his perch to not-so-subtly emphasize the value of protein above all else. (Notice how vitamins and minerals get a mere ". . . and so on" mention near the end of the short.) You will eat meat, children! Eat the animal flesh! (Bonus fact: the sample of "how can you have your pudding if you won't eat your meat?" from Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" was taken from an unreleased outtake of this PSA, which caught Timer in the midst of an obscene, protein-fueled rant against vegetarians.)
"Quick Snack" - This one was targeted for the millions of neglected latchkey kids who grew up in front of the television, showing them a way to maintain basic nourishment during Dad's three day benders or Mom's tours of the American Southwest with Skeetch, Dirthog and the rest of Satan's Avengers. (Unfortunately, this site doesn't include a clip of the "Time to Call Child Protective Services" PSA.) Timer shows a dirty, rickets-and-scurvy-suffering young lad a recipe for a snack involving ice cubes, cauliflower and cheese. I call bullshit. No one in the history of the world ever willingly ate a cauliflower/ice cube/celery/cheese combination - OK, maybe maximum security prisoners forced to eat the special management meal. Clearly, the mighty Timer empire was already fading when this PSA was released.
"Sunshine on a Stick" - Clearly written by an ex-hippie trying to inflict his pro-hallucinogen propaganda into the minds of impressionable young people. One can imagine him sketching the storyboards for this short in between sneaking a J in the executive washroom and muttering about "fuckin' Reagan" and "fuckin' Jefferson fuckin' Starship." In this one, Timer cheers up a depressed proto-emo kid by showing him how to make popsicles from frozen juice. The drug references are numerous: from "sunshine on a stick" (a particularly potent form of acid popular in the San Fernando Valley in the mid 70's) to Timer saying "whatever turns you on," to the poking of the toothpicks in the saran wrap (just like a needle in a junkie's flesh). The connection between the rise in recreational drug use in our nation's youth and the introduction of this PSA cannot be overstated.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Monday, February 23, 2004
Apologies to the hardy few who check this thing for the dearth of original content recently. Blame work commitments, general laziness, my tireless work feeding needy orphans, etc. More of the usual stuff will resume shortly.
But who cares about that, when The High Hat issue #3 is finally ready! Plenty of fine writing abounds, as per usual, and also some junk by me: an essay on the American Music Club's Mercury and the Afghan Whigs' Gentlemen ten (well, eleven, now) years later, and the same 2003 top ten list I posted here in December. (Ah, recycling.) So click, read, enjoy and love.
But who cares about that, when The High Hat issue #3 is finally ready! Plenty of fine writing abounds, as per usual, and also some junk by me: an essay on the American Music Club's Mercury and the Afghan Whigs' Gentlemen ten (well, eleven, now) years later, and the same 2003 top ten list I posted here in December. (Ah, recycling.) So click, read, enjoy and love.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Ah, Valentine's Day. The day in which we (choose your answer based on your current relationship status and feelings towards same) celebrate love/feed the commercial beast in a hollow attempt to purchase human affection. But why is love the only human feeling that gets its own holiday? It's high time that every single shade of the emotional rainbow is celebrated in its own special day, complete with matching cards and gifts available wherever cheap disposable goods are sold. Here's a list of just some of the new holidays you will be required to observe or else face wrath and shunning from your friends and loved ones:
- April 19th will be St. Boniface's Day, a celebration of hatred. Let those people you've been barely tolerating throughout the rest of the year know how you really feel on this day. Gifts range from cards bearing a simple message of disgust to a special arrangement of animal feces and rotting cow parts for those you particularly despise.
- January 27th will be St. Jonas' Day, a holiday dedicated to indifferent tolerance. For the hundreds of people in your life (co-workers, friends of friends, even family members) for whom you have neither affection nor disgust. Give a gift that says "we have nothing in common, but I still support your general right to exist."
- June 7th will be St. Ambrose's Day, devoted to alienation. A day to embrace the sullen 15 year old in all of us. Suggested ways of celebration include sulking, brooding, wearing all black, and getting into loud shouting matches with your parents. J.D. Salinger has licensed Holden Caulfield for Hallmark's new line of "You Just Don't Understand, Man" cards for this special event.
- August 29th will be St. Theodore's Day, the first holiday completely dedicated to total confusion. Introduce befuddlement into a total stranger's life on this day by giving a random and completely inappropriate gift - from geriatric supplies for young people to feminine hygiene products for the burliest man you know.
- October 14th will be St. Kenneth's Day, a holiday to revel in vague, wistful regret. Celebrate by reliving past failures, quiet sighs, and mournful stares into the distance. The "General Apologies for Whatever I Did Wrong" card will be a popular seller around this holiday.
- April 19th will be St. Boniface's Day, a celebration of hatred. Let those people you've been barely tolerating throughout the rest of the year know how you really feel on this day. Gifts range from cards bearing a simple message of disgust to a special arrangement of animal feces and rotting cow parts for those you particularly despise.
- January 27th will be St. Jonas' Day, a holiday dedicated to indifferent tolerance. For the hundreds of people in your life (co-workers, friends of friends, even family members) for whom you have neither affection nor disgust. Give a gift that says "we have nothing in common, but I still support your general right to exist."
- June 7th will be St. Ambrose's Day, devoted to alienation. A day to embrace the sullen 15 year old in all of us. Suggested ways of celebration include sulking, brooding, wearing all black, and getting into loud shouting matches with your parents. J.D. Salinger has licensed Holden Caulfield for Hallmark's new line of "You Just Don't Understand, Man" cards for this special event.
- August 29th will be St. Theodore's Day, the first holiday completely dedicated to total confusion. Introduce befuddlement into a total stranger's life on this day by giving a random and completely inappropriate gift - from geriatric supplies for young people to feminine hygiene products for the burliest man you know.
- October 14th will be St. Kenneth's Day, a holiday to revel in vague, wistful regret. Celebrate by reliving past failures, quiet sighs, and mournful stares into the distance. The "General Apologies for Whatever I Did Wrong" card will be a popular seller around this holiday.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
I recently entered a mix CD sorta-contest thing with a bunch of other music geeks. The goal was to create a mix where each song had to correspond to a specific category. Here's what I came up with:
1) If you were making a soundtrack for your life so far – this song would have to be on it.
"We Are Time," Pop Group. The best track by the underappreciated Bristol post-punk band, "We Are Time" is an incredible epic about the struggle to overcome the unstoppable forces of time and society to carve out an individual life. Admittedly, the lyrics don't make a whole lot of narrative sense, but hearing Mark Stewart yell "we'll tame eternity" and the climactic "you, I, we are time" are inspiring like few moments in rock music.
2) A song from one of the CDs currently in your 1) car stereo 2) portable CD player 3) stereo
"Faster Gun," Wrens. From my favorite album of 2003, The Meadowlands. This is one of the standout tracks - by far the most uptempo, rockingest song on the album, with a driving chord progression leading to the windmill guitar on the chorus.
3) A song from the first album, cassette, or CD (whichever was first or the oldest that you still have access to) that you purchased for yourself.
"Get Off of My Cloud," Stones. The first CDs I ever bought were Hot Rocks by the Rolling Stones and A Decade of Steely Dan, and both hold up a lot better than some of the other classic rock stuff I liked at the time. Just be grateful I didn't get the Foreigner CD first.
4) A song without a word in its title.
"1970," Stooges. Yeah, it's a ringer that I'm sure everyone here has heard time and time again, but who could get tired of the Ashton/Alexander rhythm section's finest moment, and the inspired derangedness of the ending sax solo? (And I already used "1984" elsewhere on the mix, so.)
5) A song from the year you were born
"We Got the Neutron Bomb," Weirdos. I was born in 1978, which was a great year for music, so this one was a tough pick. I went with "We Got the Neutron Bomb," a loud punk anthem with a shoutalong chorus. And the mockery of overassertive U.S. foreign policy seems even more timely these days. Wow, remember when people thought Carter was the biggest threat to world peace?
6) A song with the name of someone in this music swap in it
"The Nazz are Blue," Yardbirds. In honor of TV's Naz Nomad, here's a prime slice of British white guy blues with a sharp Jeff Beck solo that edges into psychedelic territory.
7) A song in a language other than English.
Track #2 from the Cambodia Rocks! compilation. No track or band names were provided by the compilers of this collection, which features garage and pop bands from late 60's Cambodia. It's fascinating to hear the shotgun marriage of traditional Asian music and American rock music, and this one features a female singer belting out an almost Bollywood-like melody to the accompaniment of surf guitar and a chugging organ.
8) A song with a city or state/province name.
"Philadelphia," Magazine. Howard Devoto's ode to American ennui. Also includes the best Dostoevsky reference in music besides the little known Carpenters b-side "My Liver is Diseased."
9) Say you're planning a multi-day road trip, this song could go on every mix you make for the trip.
"Tell Her She's Lovely," El Chicano. One of the finest cruising-around-in-summer-with-the-radio-down songs ever committed to recorded material.
10) A song by a local artist.
"Spider in the Snow," Dismemberment Plan. DC's late, lamented Dismemberment Plan released one of the best albums of the 1990s, Emergency and I. This song perfectly captures the mid-20's crisis of confidence and meaning.
11) A song with a color in the title.
"The Sun is Going Black," Los Chijuas. Ultramelodramatic garage song from a band out of Chihuahua, Mexico. A endlessly repeating bass riff, insanely over-the-top organ scale runs and menacing guitar jangling, all topped off with a ripped-off-from-Syd-Barrett-era-Pink-Floyd breakdown at the end.
12) It’s 5am, your alarm is going off, this song would still make you smile.
"Now It's On," Grandaddy. One of those rare songs that manages to be uplifting and optimistic without sounding rah-rah or cloying.
13) Either a cover you thought was an original or an original you thought was a cover
"I Love You," People. I heard this version of the Zombies song before the original. People slow down the tempo and tack on a vaguely acid (but still safe for the kids) rock intro. The original's better, but this version has a nicely tense arrangement.
14) A song that is about a specific movie or book or at least mentions a specific movie or book.
"1984," Spirit. The Cliff Notes version of the Orwell classic in rock song form - only the part about the jackbooted government thugs is included, so it's not recommended as a subsitute for the book for lazy high school students. A tense, paranoid classic with a killer doubletracked guitar solo from Randy California.
15) WILDCARD
"Leave the Capitol," The Fall. I had to include something from my all time favorite band, because no mix is complete without the sound of Mark E. Smith railing at something.
16) A song that has reached number one on a Billboard chart (state which chart and when).
"Quarter to Three," Gary U.S. Bonds. The number #1 single on Billboard's charts for two weeks: June 26, 1961 and July 3, 1961. Simple yet irresistible mix of an insistent drumbeat, handclaps and saxophone squawking.
17) This song doesn’t fit a category as far as you’re concerned.
"Helen Forsdale," MARS. From the seminal No New York compilation, this song sounds like almost nothing before or since - from the deranged gibberish vocals, to the consistently off beat, to the guitar that squalls away seemingly oblivious to the rest of the song. The song consistently threatens to fall apart into anarchy, but somehow makes it to the finish line.
18) I hate the artist, but I love the song.
"Just Like Heaven," The Cure. I wouldn't say I hate them, but I've never been much for Robert Smith's schtick. This, however, is a classic song, and Smith's overromanticism is charming here instead of annoying.
19) Wha? If anyone can tell me what this song is about, give me a call.
"Letter from an Occupant," New Pornographers. Actually, I doubt this song is really about anything, since the New Pornographers tend to emphasize vocal sounds over lyrical meaning. I just wanted to put it on here because it's a damn near perfect rock-pop song with a strong vocal performance by Neko Case and one of the best "oooh"s you'll ever hear in a pop chorus.
20) Guilty Pleasure.
"Ballroom Blitz," Sweet.
I don't really believe in "guilty pleasures" - I like what I like without apologies - but I'll concede that this is a dumb piece of junk. But it's a rockin' dumb piece of junk.
21) Stump the band.
"Faded Colors," Stonemen. Plucked from an obscure garage compilation, this single from an unknown Atlantic Canadian group features some of the harshest guitar tones you'll ever hear in the intro, as well as a truly nasty guitar solo interjecting itself into the song at random moments.
22) TV theme song
"WKRP End Theme," Tom Wells. The closing credits music to the beloved classic sitcom. Ret too boptenda, bah she ahbet tenna. As a bonus, the meow of the MTM kitten is included at no additional cost.
1) If you were making a soundtrack for your life so far – this song would have to be on it.
"We Are Time," Pop Group. The best track by the underappreciated Bristol post-punk band, "We Are Time" is an incredible epic about the struggle to overcome the unstoppable forces of time and society to carve out an individual life. Admittedly, the lyrics don't make a whole lot of narrative sense, but hearing Mark Stewart yell "we'll tame eternity" and the climactic "you, I, we are time" are inspiring like few moments in rock music.
2) A song from one of the CDs currently in your 1) car stereo 2) portable CD player 3) stereo
"Faster Gun," Wrens. From my favorite album of 2003, The Meadowlands. This is one of the standout tracks - by far the most uptempo, rockingest song on the album, with a driving chord progression leading to the windmill guitar on the chorus.
3) A song from the first album, cassette, or CD (whichever was first or the oldest that you still have access to) that you purchased for yourself.
"Get Off of My Cloud," Stones. The first CDs I ever bought were Hot Rocks by the Rolling Stones and A Decade of Steely Dan, and both hold up a lot better than some of the other classic rock stuff I liked at the time. Just be grateful I didn't get the Foreigner CD first.
4) A song without a word in its title.
"1970," Stooges. Yeah, it's a ringer that I'm sure everyone here has heard time and time again, but who could get tired of the Ashton/Alexander rhythm section's finest moment, and the inspired derangedness of the ending sax solo? (And I already used "1984" elsewhere on the mix, so.)
5) A song from the year you were born
"We Got the Neutron Bomb," Weirdos. I was born in 1978, which was a great year for music, so this one was a tough pick. I went with "We Got the Neutron Bomb," a loud punk anthem with a shoutalong chorus. And the mockery of overassertive U.S. foreign policy seems even more timely these days. Wow, remember when people thought Carter was the biggest threat to world peace?
6) A song with the name of someone in this music swap in it
"The Nazz are Blue," Yardbirds. In honor of TV's Naz Nomad, here's a prime slice of British white guy blues with a sharp Jeff Beck solo that edges into psychedelic territory.
7) A song in a language other than English.
Track #2 from the Cambodia Rocks! compilation. No track or band names were provided by the compilers of this collection, which features garage and pop bands from late 60's Cambodia. It's fascinating to hear the shotgun marriage of traditional Asian music and American rock music, and this one features a female singer belting out an almost Bollywood-like melody to the accompaniment of surf guitar and a chugging organ.
8) A song with a city or state/province name.
"Philadelphia," Magazine. Howard Devoto's ode to American ennui. Also includes the best Dostoevsky reference in music besides the little known Carpenters b-side "My Liver is Diseased."
9) Say you're planning a multi-day road trip, this song could go on every mix you make for the trip.
"Tell Her She's Lovely," El Chicano. One of the finest cruising-around-in-summer-with-the-radio-down songs ever committed to recorded material.
10) A song by a local artist.
"Spider in the Snow," Dismemberment Plan. DC's late, lamented Dismemberment Plan released one of the best albums of the 1990s, Emergency and I. This song perfectly captures the mid-20's crisis of confidence and meaning.
11) A song with a color in the title.
"The Sun is Going Black," Los Chijuas. Ultramelodramatic garage song from a band out of Chihuahua, Mexico. A endlessly repeating bass riff, insanely over-the-top organ scale runs and menacing guitar jangling, all topped off with a ripped-off-from-Syd-Barrett-era-Pink-Floyd breakdown at the end.
12) It’s 5am, your alarm is going off, this song would still make you smile.
"Now It's On," Grandaddy. One of those rare songs that manages to be uplifting and optimistic without sounding rah-rah or cloying.
13) Either a cover you thought was an original or an original you thought was a cover
"I Love You," People. I heard this version of the Zombies song before the original. People slow down the tempo and tack on a vaguely acid (but still safe for the kids) rock intro. The original's better, but this version has a nicely tense arrangement.
14) A song that is about a specific movie or book or at least mentions a specific movie or book.
"1984," Spirit. The Cliff Notes version of the Orwell classic in rock song form - only the part about the jackbooted government thugs is included, so it's not recommended as a subsitute for the book for lazy high school students. A tense, paranoid classic with a killer doubletracked guitar solo from Randy California.
15) WILDCARD
"Leave the Capitol," The Fall. I had to include something from my all time favorite band, because no mix is complete without the sound of Mark E. Smith railing at something.
16) A song that has reached number one on a Billboard chart (state which chart and when).
"Quarter to Three," Gary U.S. Bonds. The number #1 single on Billboard's charts for two weeks: June 26, 1961 and July 3, 1961. Simple yet irresistible mix of an insistent drumbeat, handclaps and saxophone squawking.
17) This song doesn’t fit a category as far as you’re concerned.
"Helen Forsdale," MARS. From the seminal No New York compilation, this song sounds like almost nothing before or since - from the deranged gibberish vocals, to the consistently off beat, to the guitar that squalls away seemingly oblivious to the rest of the song. The song consistently threatens to fall apart into anarchy, but somehow makes it to the finish line.
18) I hate the artist, but I love the song.
"Just Like Heaven," The Cure. I wouldn't say I hate them, but I've never been much for Robert Smith's schtick. This, however, is a classic song, and Smith's overromanticism is charming here instead of annoying.
19) Wha? If anyone can tell me what this song is about, give me a call.
"Letter from an Occupant," New Pornographers. Actually, I doubt this song is really about anything, since the New Pornographers tend to emphasize vocal sounds over lyrical meaning. I just wanted to put it on here because it's a damn near perfect rock-pop song with a strong vocal performance by Neko Case and one of the best "oooh"s you'll ever hear in a pop chorus.
20) Guilty Pleasure.
"Ballroom Blitz," Sweet.
I don't really believe in "guilty pleasures" - I like what I like without apologies - but I'll concede that this is a dumb piece of junk. But it's a rockin' dumb piece of junk.
21) Stump the band.
"Faded Colors," Stonemen. Plucked from an obscure garage compilation, this single from an unknown Atlantic Canadian group features some of the harshest guitar tones you'll ever hear in the intro, as well as a truly nasty guitar solo interjecting itself into the song at random moments.
22) TV theme song
"WKRP End Theme," Tom Wells. The closing credits music to the beloved classic sitcom. Ret too boptenda, bah she ahbet tenna. As a bonus, the meow of the MTM kitten is included at no additional cost.
Monday, February 09, 2004
MP3 is a live version of "I'm Straight" by Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers, from Precise Modern Lovers Order. This is an earlier rendition than the version on The Modern Lovers, and is far more vicious and sarcastic than the somewhat gentle upbraiding of the more well known album version - Richman's bile is dialed up to Costello-on-This Year's Model levels as he takes shots at the shallowness and conformity of the Woodstock generation.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Well, it's been one week since Tittygate exploded across American television screens. God, January 31, 2003 seems like such an innocent time now - a time when our media was free from sexualization, when decent folk could watch television in peace without being burdened by thoughts of body parts and reproductive acts. Now, in one short week, we've seen the complete deterioration of the moral fabric of this country. Who knew that a simple halftime show would've destroyed polite society as we know it? (If the Russians had just infiltrated Up with People back in the seventies, we'd all be harvesting beets on a collective farm in Andropovgrad (formerly Nebraska) right now.) Public nudity is now de rigueur, and the old standard friendly greetings have been replaced with expressions like "Nice bag, Ted!" and "Your areola's looking especially radiant today, Janice!" One can hardly walk the streets without tripping over young people engaged in sexual acts of varying natures, their once restrained passions now unlocked by the brazen display of sort-of nudity seen by millions last Sunday. And the networks have just made it worse - first there was random, casual toplessness on "Yes, Dear" and "According to Jim," then Stone Phillips' full frontal during Friday's "Dateline NBC", then Fox pulled Saturday's Cops in order to run "Teenage Vixen Slumber Party #7"... and rumor has it that next week, "American Idol"'s judging system will be replaced by a fellatio contest.
If only we could turn back time and replace Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson with wholesome, upstanding performers. Even Britney Spears, who seemed controversial in those naive pre-Super Bowl days, would've been a better choice than the evil mastermind Justin and his evil harlot Jezebel Janet. How could we have been so blind to not see that their entire rise to fame was built for that one moment, to purposely introduce the breast to the national viewing public! Only our government can save us now. I pray that George W. Bush will have the wisdom and the courage to jail exposers of the flesh and mandate that women are forced to wear bodices and several layers of undergarments at all times so their dirty, dirty bodies will never again see the light of day.
If only we could turn back time and replace Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson with wholesome, upstanding performers. Even Britney Spears, who seemed controversial in those naive pre-Super Bowl days, would've been a better choice than the evil mastermind Justin and his evil harlot Jezebel Janet. How could we have been so blind to not see that their entire rise to fame was built for that one moment, to purposely introduce the breast to the national viewing public! Only our government can save us now. I pray that George W. Bush will have the wisdom and the courage to jail exposers of the flesh and mandate that women are forced to wear bodices and several layers of undergarments at all times so their dirty, dirty bodies will never again see the light of day.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Hard to believe, but today marks the one year anniversary of the first post on this blog. (Please do not actually go back and read those first entries, as they suck even more than the usual fare here.) Over the past year, we've laughed a little, cried a little, and learned a little something about ourselves. And this humble little web-thing has grown from a semi-regularly updated site that no one reads but me to a sporadically updated site that no one reads but me. My thanks to anyone who reads this site. Whether you're killing time at work, you kinda sorta know me online, or you came here via a Google search for "+paris hilton +sextape +donkey," I appreciate your patronage. I hope that this site has provided some amusement, or at the very least not made you cringe with embarrassment on my behalf too often. (And I promise that in year two, the self-deprecation that is ladled over this entry will be kept to an acceptable minimum.)
This would be the natural time to walk away, to stop this project before the updates become even more sporadic and half-assed and keeping a blog becomes even more unfashionable, a pop culture relic of the early aughts. But I've never let common sense, regard for quality or self-respect keep me from achieving massive public embarrassment. So, onward we march into year number two, fearlessly continuing to boldly flog the same obscure half-jokes and cultural quasi-commentary in the face of public indifference. May God have mercy on us all.
This would be the natural time to walk away, to stop this project before the updates become even more sporadic and half-assed and keeping a blog becomes even more unfashionable, a pop culture relic of the early aughts. But I've never let common sense, regard for quality or self-respect keep me from achieving massive public embarrassment. So, onward we march into year number two, fearlessly continuing to boldly flog the same obscure half-jokes and cultural quasi-commentary in the face of public indifference. May God have mercy on us all.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
As year one of this enterprise draws to a close, here's a sign that this site has finally made it: a coveted link on coolworthy.com's "vitamin b bipolar and the Hidden Weight Loss Connection" page. So, for all you web searchers looking for information about the Negative Calorie Diet, here's the real story: Researchers at the Institute of Cosmetic Science in Piscataway, NJ have discovered that several foods previously thought to be poor dietary choices actually have "negative calories" that, when consumed in enormous quantities, stimulate accelerons in the body's digestive system that actually eat away fat! These foods include, but are not limited to, the following:
- double cheeseburgers
- hot fudge sundaes with whipped cream and cherries
- fried chicken skin (the meat is irrelevant for the purposes of this diet)
- beef liver
- barbecue pork rinds (NOTE: pork rinds MUST be barbecue flavored, plain pork rinds will not work)
- hog renderings
"Respected scientists" have scoffed at our discovery, but remember that these so-called experts are all in the pocket of the gigantic so-called "health" food lobby. Big Celery doesn't want you to know the truth about weight loss, which can be found only in our new pamphlet, "The Negative Calorie Diet - Gorging Your Way to Social Acceptance," available for $49.95. Also, for only $69.95, you'll receive a two week supply of our new wonder drug, "tlc-tags," which speed up the accelerons in your body for even speedier weight loss! And they're even chewable, mint-flavored, and come complete with a handy portable dispenser! Please send cash, money order, or access to an offshore holding company to:
Negative Calorie Diet
c/o VBGS Enterprises
PO Box 1354
Washington, DC 20009
For faster processing, please include a SASE and an affidavit promising not to prosecute for fraudulent business practices.
- double cheeseburgers
- hot fudge sundaes with whipped cream and cherries
- fried chicken skin (the meat is irrelevant for the purposes of this diet)
- beef liver
- barbecue pork rinds (NOTE: pork rinds MUST be barbecue flavored, plain pork rinds will not work)
- hog renderings
"Respected scientists" have scoffed at our discovery, but remember that these so-called experts are all in the pocket of the gigantic so-called "health" food lobby. Big Celery doesn't want you to know the truth about weight loss, which can be found only in our new pamphlet, "The Negative Calorie Diet - Gorging Your Way to Social Acceptance," available for $49.95. Also, for only $69.95, you'll receive a two week supply of our new wonder drug, "tlc-tags," which speed up the accelerons in your body for even speedier weight loss! And they're even chewable, mint-flavored, and come complete with a handy portable dispenser! Please send cash, money order, or access to an offshore holding company to:
Negative Calorie Diet
c/o VBGS Enterprises
PO Box 1354
Washington, DC 20009
For faster processing, please include a SASE and an affidavit promising not to prosecute for fraudulent business practices.