Sunday, February 01, 2004

As year one of this enterprise draws to a close, here's a sign that this site has finally made it: a coveted link on's "vitamin b bipolar and the Hidden Weight Loss Connection" page. So, for all you web searchers looking for information about the Negative Calorie Diet, here's the real story: Researchers at the Institute of Cosmetic Science in Piscataway, NJ have discovered that several foods previously thought to be poor dietary choices actually have "negative calories" that, when consumed in enormous quantities, stimulate accelerons in the body's digestive system that actually eat away fat! These foods include, but are not limited to, the following:

- double cheeseburgers
- hot fudge sundaes with whipped cream and cherries
- fried chicken skin (the meat is irrelevant for the purposes of this diet)
- beef liver
- barbecue pork rinds (NOTE: pork rinds MUST be barbecue flavored, plain pork rinds will not work)
- hog renderings

"Respected scientists" have scoffed at our discovery, but remember that these so-called experts are all in the pocket of the gigantic so-called "health" food lobby. Big Celery doesn't want you to know the truth about weight loss, which can be found only in our new pamphlet, "The Negative Calorie Diet - Gorging Your Way to Social Acceptance," available for $49.95. Also, for only $69.95, you'll receive a two week supply of our new wonder drug, "tlc-tags," which speed up the accelerons in your body for even speedier weight loss! And they're even chewable, mint-flavored, and come complete with a handy portable dispenser! Please send cash, money order, or access to an offshore holding company to:

Negative Calorie Diet
c/o VBGS Enterprises
PO Box 1354
Washington, DC 20009

For faster processing, please include a SASE and an affidavit promising not to prosecute for fraudulent business practices.

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