Sunday, February 08, 2004

Well, it's been one week since Tittygate exploded across American television screens. God, January 31, 2003 seems like such an innocent time now - a time when our media was free from sexualization, when decent folk could watch television in peace without being burdened by thoughts of body parts and reproductive acts. Now, in one short week, we've seen the complete deterioration of the moral fabric of this country. Who knew that a simple halftime show would've destroyed polite society as we know it? (If the Russians had just infiltrated Up with People back in the seventies, we'd all be harvesting beets on a collective farm in Andropovgrad (formerly Nebraska) right now.) Public nudity is now de rigueur, and the old standard friendly greetings have been replaced with expressions like "Nice bag, Ted!" and "Your areola's looking especially radiant today, Janice!" One can hardly walk the streets without tripping over young people engaged in sexual acts of varying natures, their once restrained passions now unlocked by the brazen display of sort-of nudity seen by millions last Sunday. And the networks have just made it worse - first there was random, casual toplessness on "Yes, Dear" and "According to Jim," then Stone Phillips' full frontal during Friday's "Dateline NBC", then Fox pulled Saturday's Cops in order to run "Teenage Vixen Slumber Party #7"... and rumor has it that next week, "American Idol"'s judging system will be replaced by a fellatio contest.

If only we could turn back time and replace Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson with wholesome, upstanding performers. Even Britney Spears, who seemed controversial in those naive pre-Super Bowl days, would've been a better choice than the evil mastermind Justin and his evil harlot Jezebel Janet. How could we have been so blind to not see that their entire rise to fame was built for that one moment, to purposely introduce the breast to the national viewing public! Only our government can save us now. I pray that George W. Bush will have the wisdom and the courage to jail exposers of the flesh and mandate that women are forced to wear bodices and several layers of undergarments at all times so their dirty, dirty bodies will never again see the light of day.

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