Thanksgiving is once again upon us, a time to once again spend one day of the year pretending to be grateful for our miserable lives before returning to our usual daily bitching and moaning. In no particular order, here are a few of the things I am thankful for this year:
- I am thankful that my turn on the national waiting list to get a reality show is down to the low seven figures. In 2035, America’s favorite TV celebrity will be a embittered middle aged white guy who complains about his back and about how today’s kids just don’t appreciate electric guitar feedback.
- I am thankful that George W. Bush pardoned at least one turkey this year. I am disappointed, however, that he did not grant the pardon of a retarded turkey convicted on three counts of manslaughter.
- I am thankful that the screaming, colicky baby in the apartment down the hall can only physically yell for 19 or 20 hours a day.
- I am thankful to have such kind, caring and supportive people on my parole board. Thanks, guys. You've turned our "hearings" into "dearrings."
- I am thankful to live in a country where one man can rise above such limitations as abundant stupidity, academic mediocrity, the inability to express himself clearly, and receiving fewer votes than his opponent to become the nation’s chief executive.
- I am thankful that I have no moral objections to eating animals, so I am not forced to choke down the abomination that is tofurkey.
- I am thankful that even though life is fleeting and devoid of any real meaning, and death stares us blankly in the face every day, threatening to wipe out our tenuous existence into the dull gray void of eternity, this is some damn good pie. Did you use real pumpkin for this?