CBS recently opted not to air its miniseries about the presidency of Ronald Reagan after charges of bias from the Republican National Committee and other conservative pressure groups. What wasn’t reported was that the RNC proposed several re-written scenes to make the program more hagiographical - pardon me, “balanced.” The Vitamin B Glandular Show has obtained a few pages from the RNC’s version of the Reagan miniseries, which we present to you now as a worldwide exclusive:
(SCENE: Summit meeting, Reykjavik, Iceland. President Reagan and his advisers are sitting face to face with Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev.)
GORBACHEV: We are willing to discuss a 20% decrease in short range and intercontinental ballistic missiles over the next five years, as well as increases in the amount of food sales between our two countries.
REAGAN: Forget it, Mikhail. We demand that Russia dismantle its military, get out of Central America and Eastern Europe and convert to capitalism. What are you gonna do about it, huh? Heard of a little thing called “Star Wars?” That’s right, we have the technology to shoot down your entire nuclear arsenal.
GORBACHEV: Let me discuss this with my comrades.
GORBACHEV (in Russian): It’s over, gentlemen. We cannot defeat this brave and dignified leader.
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #1 (in Russian): Damn this missile defense shield! It is impregnable! We will never defeat the Americans now!
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #2 (in Russian): If only Walter Mondale were in that chair - then we could crush the Americans. But we will never defeat Ronald Reagan. We must surrender on their terms.
GORBACHEV: Very well, Mr. President, we accept your demands.
REAGAN: Oh, yeah, one more thing - say I’m your mama.
GORBACHEV: (sighs) Very well. I’m your mother.
(REAGAN high fives James Baker and George Bush)
(SCENE: The Oval Office. REAGAN is flanked by senators and congressmen from both parties.)
REAGAN: I am proud to sign into law this budget for 1987 which will provide the United States of America with a record $100 billion surplus. This administration has succeeded in completely wiping out our national debt while cutting taxes for everyone. We have also wiped out poverty and created untold economic growth through supply side economics and capital gains tax cuts.
TIP O’NEILL: I just want to apologize to you, Mr. President, for ever doubting your economic policies. I was wrong - giving tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans is the only way to improve the economy.
(Former President Jimmy Carter enters the room.)
JIMMY CARTER: I know I wasn’t invited to this press conference, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to say what an incredible failure I was as president, and how thankful I am that Americans elected this wonderful, visionary leader instead of me.
REAGAN: Thank you, gentlemen, but we can never rest as long as there’s an industrialist or Wall Street bond trader who has to pay a nickel of his hard earned money to the IRS.
(SCENE: Bitburg Military Cemetery, Germany. President Reagan is about to lay a wreath in a cemetery containing the remains of Nazi stormtroopers.)
NAZI #1 (in German): The American president is about to glorify the dead of our fallen war heroes.
NAZI #2 (in German): Surely this will bring great glory to our cause!
(REAGAN tears off flowers on wreath to reveal a Thompson submachine gun.)
REAGAN: That’s what you think, Fritz! Eat lead, Nazi scum! (REAGAN mows down a line of Nazi soldiers, then turns over a Nazi tomb to reveal a hidden fortress. Several dazed American prisoners of war emerge from the wreckage.)
REAGAN: Come on, men. Follow me…to FREEDOM! (An army helicopter swoops down to lead the men to safety.)
POW: Thank you, Mr. President. However can we thank you?
REAGAN: I’m just doing my job, soldier. That’s why the American people elected me - to lead the nation, cut the red tape caused by those bureaucrats in Washington, and kick a little Nazi ass.