Thanksgiving is over, which means it’s once again time for three bleak, unremitting months of winter.* I hate, loathe, detest winter. Think about it - what good ever came from winter? Ice hockey, and the fact that it eventually ends and brings on spring, which is clearly and objectively the best season. Now, how winter sucks, let me count the ways: ice on roadways and sidewalks, blizzards, scraping ice off of car windows, chapping, everyone sniffling and sneezing, static electricity, influenza, seasonal depression…need I go on? Clearly, winter blows.
Even worse are people who like winter (or claim to like it - I suspect they’re just perverse, or it’s some new ironic “I like it because it sucks” sort of stance). There people are generally morning people, relentlessly positive go-getters, the type who find it “bracing” to take an early morning jog in subzero temperatures. The kind of perfectly good, well-meaning people that you nevertheless want to club repeatedly with a snow shovel. When the inevitable war between cold weather and warm weather people occurs (and warm people will win, for we are good and pure of heart), and people who love winter are forced to live in camps on the Siberian tundra or the Yukon, we’ll all be much happier.
“But, Brent,” you may ask, “what about the holidays?” Feh, fie and fuh, I reply to you. Christmas is only one day, and besides, it’s a thick candy shell of obligation wrapped around a thin layer of nougaty fun. If Santa came down on his sled with Jesus riding shotgun, shooting toys and candy out of a rocket-powered reindeer’s ass, it still wouldn’t make up for the sheer abject misery of three fucking months of winter’s general suckery.
In conclusion, I hope this short essay has convinced you that action must be taken. Please urge your elected representatives to support new environmental regulations that will increase the amount of atmospheric pollutants produced by modern industry and remove the hated ozone layer that continues to keep global temperatures uncomfortably low. Together, we can stamp out winter in our lifetime. This message brought to you by The National Council of Aerosol, Asbestos and Tire-Burners - Sacrificing Future Generations for Marginal Increases in Our Own Quality of Life - and a generous grant from the Chubb Group.
*Of course, this doesn’t apply for the southern hemisphere or countries that don’t have a thanksgiving. (Or Canada, which puts Thanksgiving in the middle of October for some reason - everyone knows that October is the month when we celebrate the first Europeans who kinda didn’t really discover the new world. C’mon Canada, it’s time to admit that this whole “we’ll do what the Americans do - just slightly different!” thing isn’t working for you. No one watches Canadian football, no one calls it “back bacon,” no one puts gravy and cheese curds on their French fries. Just stop, you’re embarrassing yourself. I say this as a friend, a friend who cares.) All I can say in response is - the Northern Hemisphere rules! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (rhythmic car horn honking)