Thanksgiving is once again upon us, a time to once again spend one day of the year pretending to be grateful for our miserable lives before returning to our usual daily bitching and moaning. In no particular order, here are a few of the things I am thankful for this year:
- I am thankful that my turn on the national waiting list to get a reality show is down to the low seven figures. In 2035, America’s favorite TV celebrity will be a embittered middle aged white guy who complains about his back and about how today’s kids just don’t appreciate electric guitar feedback.
- I am thankful that George W. Bush pardoned at least one turkey this year. I am disappointed, however, that he did not grant the pardon of a retarded turkey convicted on three counts of manslaughter.
- I am thankful that the screaming, colicky baby in the apartment down the hall can only physically yell for 19 or 20 hours a day.
- I am thankful to have such kind, caring and supportive people on my parole board. Thanks, guys. You've turned our "hearings" into "dearrings."
- I am thankful to live in a country where one man can rise above such limitations as abundant stupidity, academic mediocrity, the inability to express himself clearly, and receiving fewer votes than his opponent to become the nation’s chief executive.
- I am thankful that I have no moral objections to eating animals, so I am not forced to choke down the abomination that is tofurkey.
- I am thankful that even though life is fleeting and devoid of any real meaning, and death stares us blankly in the face every day, threatening to wipe out our tenuous existence into the dull gray void of eternity, this is some damn good pie. Did you use real pumpkin for this?
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Friday, November 21, 2003
MP3 - "Gideon's Bible" by John Cale, off of his first solo album Vintage Violence, which I rambled about way back in this blog's infancy. Unfortunately, the massive wave of renewed interest in Vintage Violence that I had anticipated after posting that rave review failed to materialize, so please enjoy a free MP3 of the best song from that excellent album.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
(Note: If you haven’t seen the final episode of season 2 of The Office, spoilers abound in this entry.)
Well, holy shit, that was depressing. The final episode of The Office (barring the two special upcoming Christmas episodes) paid off the series’ central theme of the isolating, soul-numbing drudgery of modern white collar life in spades. Admittedly, it was a somewhat sharp shift in tone from understated, subtly satirical comedy to heartbreaking pathos, but I don’t think it could’ve ended any other way. Tim’s noble charge at the end - giving up settling for a slightly better position and a perfectly acceptable but passionless relationship for a shot at the brass ring - was doomed to failure from the start, but you have to admire someone momentarily standing up from the gray prison of the office and doing something, anything, to redirect the course of fate. David Brent’s breakdown after his firing was handled brilliantly, forcing the viewer to feel momentary pity and sadness for the poor lug before pulling it away with one of his typically moronic monologues at the end. Brent doesn’t learn anything from his experiences, and one has to figure that he’ll land elsewhere and find an entirely new set of wage slaves to condescend to and irritate. At least Tim has finally shed some of his illusions - David Brent will probably still think his underlings adore and respect him while they mock him behind his back or fantasize about his death.
What set The Office apart from a normal sitcom is its unflinching eye on all of the vagaries and indignities of the modern office, the types of things that most of us would rather not focus on as we try to cheerfully muck through our day-to-day lives without turning to booze, pills or total escapism. The final episode brought that point home with a vengeance. The moral of the series? Not everyone can do or get what they really want, and sometimes the best you can do is shuffle papers under the charge of a unctuous failed comedian and unrequitedly pine for the cute secretary. That’s a pretty harsh piece of truth to swallow in the guise of a situation comedy, and it’s a credit to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant that they were able to put together one of the most searing, indicting bits of social satire of our times while also providing some of the most flat-out hilarious moments in the history of sitcoms.
Well, holy shit, that was depressing. The final episode of The Office (barring the two special upcoming Christmas episodes) paid off the series’ central theme of the isolating, soul-numbing drudgery of modern white collar life in spades. Admittedly, it was a somewhat sharp shift in tone from understated, subtly satirical comedy to heartbreaking pathos, but I don’t think it could’ve ended any other way. Tim’s noble charge at the end - giving up settling for a slightly better position and a perfectly acceptable but passionless relationship for a shot at the brass ring - was doomed to failure from the start, but you have to admire someone momentarily standing up from the gray prison of the office and doing something, anything, to redirect the course of fate. David Brent’s breakdown after his firing was handled brilliantly, forcing the viewer to feel momentary pity and sadness for the poor lug before pulling it away with one of his typically moronic monologues at the end. Brent doesn’t learn anything from his experiences, and one has to figure that he’ll land elsewhere and find an entirely new set of wage slaves to condescend to and irritate. At least Tim has finally shed some of his illusions - David Brent will probably still think his underlings adore and respect him while they mock him behind his back or fantasize about his death.
What set The Office apart from a normal sitcom is its unflinching eye on all of the vagaries and indignities of the modern office, the types of things that most of us would rather not focus on as we try to cheerfully muck through our day-to-day lives without turning to booze, pills or total escapism. The final episode brought that point home with a vengeance. The moral of the series? Not everyone can do or get what they really want, and sometimes the best you can do is shuffle papers under the charge of a unctuous failed comedian and unrequitedly pine for the cute secretary. That’s a pretty harsh piece of truth to swallow in the guise of a situation comedy, and it’s a credit to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant that they were able to put together one of the most searing, indicting bits of social satire of our times while also providing some of the most flat-out hilarious moments in the history of sitcoms.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
NEW SADDAM TAPE FEATURES CALL FOR RESISTANCE, SEX WITH PARIS HILTON
A new videotape aired Sunday on the Arabic news network al-Jazeera is believed to show deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein issuing a strongly worded message to American forces in Iraq and having sex with millionaire hotel heiress Paris Hilton.
"I urge all of my countrymen to resist this illegal and immoral occupation. Until the Americans withdraw from our nation, we cannot peaceably accept a new government. A true government can only come from the will of the Iraqi people," stated Hussein.
Hussein then received fellatio and had sex in several positions with Hilton, apparently in the back seat of a military vehicle.
The tape ran 18 minutes and was interrupted several times for cell phone calls from Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond, Jr. and former RCC Vice Chairman Izzat Ibrahim Al-Duri.
Despite her apparent ties with the former Iraqi leader, American officials have no plans to question Hilton for any knowledge of Hussein's whereabouts.
"Let's be honest, here. Odds are she was so coked out of her mind that she didn't remember anything, anyway. I mean, we can't really expect her to remember much about any of the guys she has sex with," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a Sunday briefing.
Rumsfeld refused to comment on the persistent rumors of another tape featuring Osama bin Laden, Nicky Hilton and male model Jason Shaw.
A new videotape aired Sunday on the Arabic news network al-Jazeera is believed to show deposed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein issuing a strongly worded message to American forces in Iraq and having sex with millionaire hotel heiress Paris Hilton.
"I urge all of my countrymen to resist this illegal and immoral occupation. Until the Americans withdraw from our nation, we cannot peaceably accept a new government. A true government can only come from the will of the Iraqi people," stated Hussein.
Hussein then received fellatio and had sex in several positions with Hilton, apparently in the back seat of a military vehicle.
The tape ran 18 minutes and was interrupted several times for cell phone calls from Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond, Jr. and former RCC Vice Chairman Izzat Ibrahim Al-Duri.
Despite her apparent ties with the former Iraqi leader, American officials have no plans to question Hilton for any knowledge of Hussein's whereabouts.
"Let's be honest, here. Odds are she was so coked out of her mind that she didn't remember anything, anyway. I mean, we can't really expect her to remember much about any of the guys she has sex with," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a Sunday briefing.
Rumsfeld refused to comment on the persistent rumors of another tape featuring Osama bin Laden, Nicky Hilton and male model Jason Shaw.
Friday, November 14, 2003
The weather has turned cold in this area of the world, so that means it's once again the perfect time of year to listen to sad bastard music. This is "Western Sky" by American Music Club off of their excellent (and lamentably out of print) 1988 album California. Mark Eitzel is one of the masters of writing depressingly beautiful songs without drowning in self-pity or resorting to cliche. "Western Sky" is a damn-near-perfect piece of musical imagery - it evokes empty, wide-open skies and solitary drives down barren stretches of highway in the American west.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
CBS recently opted not to air its miniseries about the presidency of Ronald Reagan after charges of bias from the Republican National Committee and other conservative pressure groups. What wasn’t reported was that the RNC proposed several re-written scenes to make the program more hagiographical - pardon me, “balanced.” The Vitamin B Glandular Show has obtained a few pages from the RNC’s version of the Reagan miniseries, which we present to you now as a worldwide exclusive:
(SCENE: Summit meeting, Reykjavik, Iceland. President Reagan and his advisers are sitting face to face with Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev.)
GORBACHEV: We are willing to discuss a 20% decrease in short range and intercontinental ballistic missiles over the next five years, as well as increases in the amount of food sales between our two countries.
REAGAN: Forget it, Mikhail. We demand that Russia dismantle its military, get out of Central America and Eastern Europe and convert to capitalism. What are you gonna do about it, huh? Heard of a little thing called “Star Wars?” That’s right, we have the technology to shoot down your entire nuclear arsenal.
GORBACHEV: Let me discuss this with my comrades.
GORBACHEV (in Russian): It’s over, gentlemen. We cannot defeat this brave and dignified leader.
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #1 (in Russian): Damn this missile defense shield! It is impregnable! We will never defeat the Americans now!
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #2 (in Russian): If only Walter Mondale were in that chair - then we could crush the Americans. But we will never defeat Ronald Reagan. We must surrender on their terms.
GORBACHEV: Very well, Mr. President, we accept your demands.
REAGAN: Oh, yeah, one more thing - say I’m your mama.
GORBACHEV: (sighs) Very well. I’m your mother.
(REAGAN high fives James Baker and George Bush)
(SCENE: The Oval Office. REAGAN is flanked by senators and congressmen from both parties.)
REAGAN: I am proud to sign into law this budget for 1987 which will provide the United States of America with a record $100 billion surplus. This administration has succeeded in completely wiping out our national debt while cutting taxes for everyone. We have also wiped out poverty and created untold economic growth through supply side economics and capital gains tax cuts.
TIP O’NEILL: I just want to apologize to you, Mr. President, for ever doubting your economic policies. I was wrong - giving tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans is the only way to improve the economy.
(Former President Jimmy Carter enters the room.)
JIMMY CARTER: I know I wasn’t invited to this press conference, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to say what an incredible failure I was as president, and how thankful I am that Americans elected this wonderful, visionary leader instead of me.
REAGAN: Thank you, gentlemen, but we can never rest as long as there’s an industrialist or Wall Street bond trader who has to pay a nickel of his hard earned money to the IRS.
(SCENE: Bitburg Military Cemetery, Germany. President Reagan is about to lay a wreath in a cemetery containing the remains of Nazi stormtroopers.)
NAZI #1 (in German): The American president is about to glorify the dead of our fallen war heroes.
NAZI #2 (in German): Surely this will bring great glory to our cause!
(REAGAN tears off flowers on wreath to reveal a Thompson submachine gun.)
REAGAN: That’s what you think, Fritz! Eat lead, Nazi scum! (REAGAN mows down a line of Nazi soldiers, then turns over a Nazi tomb to reveal a hidden fortress. Several dazed American prisoners of war emerge from the wreckage.)
REAGAN: Come on, men. Follow me…to FREEDOM! (An army helicopter swoops down to lead the men to safety.)
POW: Thank you, Mr. President. However can we thank you?
REAGAN: I’m just doing my job, soldier. That’s why the American people elected me - to lead the nation, cut the red tape caused by those bureaucrats in Washington, and kick a little Nazi ass.
(SCENE: Summit meeting, Reykjavik, Iceland. President Reagan and his advisers are sitting face to face with Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev.)
GORBACHEV: We are willing to discuss a 20% decrease in short range and intercontinental ballistic missiles over the next five years, as well as increases in the amount of food sales between our two countries.
REAGAN: Forget it, Mikhail. We demand that Russia dismantle its military, get out of Central America and Eastern Europe and convert to capitalism. What are you gonna do about it, huh? Heard of a little thing called “Star Wars?” That’s right, we have the technology to shoot down your entire nuclear arsenal.
GORBACHEV: Let me discuss this with my comrades.
GORBACHEV (in Russian): It’s over, gentlemen. We cannot defeat this brave and dignified leader.
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #1 (in Russian): Damn this missile defense shield! It is impregnable! We will never defeat the Americans now!
RUSSIAN ADVISOR #2 (in Russian): If only Walter Mondale were in that chair - then we could crush the Americans. But we will never defeat Ronald Reagan. We must surrender on their terms.
GORBACHEV: Very well, Mr. President, we accept your demands.
REAGAN: Oh, yeah, one more thing - say I’m your mama.
GORBACHEV: (sighs) Very well. I’m your mother.
(REAGAN high fives James Baker and George Bush)
(SCENE: The Oval Office. REAGAN is flanked by senators and congressmen from both parties.)
REAGAN: I am proud to sign into law this budget for 1987 which will provide the United States of America with a record $100 billion surplus. This administration has succeeded in completely wiping out our national debt while cutting taxes for everyone. We have also wiped out poverty and created untold economic growth through supply side economics and capital gains tax cuts.
TIP O’NEILL: I just want to apologize to you, Mr. President, for ever doubting your economic policies. I was wrong - giving tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans is the only way to improve the economy.
(Former President Jimmy Carter enters the room.)
JIMMY CARTER: I know I wasn’t invited to this press conference, but I just wanted to take this opportunity to say what an incredible failure I was as president, and how thankful I am that Americans elected this wonderful, visionary leader instead of me.
REAGAN: Thank you, gentlemen, but we can never rest as long as there’s an industrialist or Wall Street bond trader who has to pay a nickel of his hard earned money to the IRS.
(SCENE: Bitburg Military Cemetery, Germany. President Reagan is about to lay a wreath in a cemetery containing the remains of Nazi stormtroopers.)
NAZI #1 (in German): The American president is about to glorify the dead of our fallen war heroes.
NAZI #2 (in German): Surely this will bring great glory to our cause!
(REAGAN tears off flowers on wreath to reveal a Thompson submachine gun.)
REAGAN: That’s what you think, Fritz! Eat lead, Nazi scum! (REAGAN mows down a line of Nazi soldiers, then turns over a Nazi tomb to reveal a hidden fortress. Several dazed American prisoners of war emerge from the wreckage.)
REAGAN: Come on, men. Follow me…to FREEDOM! (An army helicopter swoops down to lead the men to safety.)
POW: Thank you, Mr. President. However can we thank you?
REAGAN: I’m just doing my job, soldier. That’s why the American people elected me - to lead the nation, cut the red tape caused by those bureaucrats in Washington, and kick a little Nazi ass.