Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The new restaurant Cereality is taking the nation by storm. (OK, maybe not "taking the nation by storm" so much as "getting a few mentions in various daily newspapers' lifestyle pages." Just play along, thank you.) It's a brilliant idea: take something that even the most domestically unskilled person can make and charge them a huge markup for it on the basis of convenience because young urban types are often unfamiliar with concepts like "preparing food for oneself" or "buying food that can be eaten at home."

In the spirit of Cereality, I'm now announcing an exciting new restaurant venture: Say Tomato and Cheese, the nation's first restaurant that only serves grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's tomato soup. Stop in for a grilled cheese sandwich, a bowl of Campbell's tomato soup, or our special combo of a grilled cheese sandwich and Campbell's tomato soup. Too busy to cope with the rigors of dipping your sandwich into the soup? Then try our predipped grilled cheese sandwiches drenched in warm Campbell's tomato soup fresh out of the can! Dieters can try our lighter menu: a half of a cheese sandwich or a half of a can of Campbell's tomato soup. (For those hardy stragglers who are stubbornly clinging to the Atkins diet, we also offer a Atkins-friendly pile of grilled cheese without the bread. Plus, you'll be happy to know that our servers have been specifically instructed not to make fun of you or mutter "that is soooo 2003" when you order it.) Adventurous types can try the Cheesato Tornado, a special blend of grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup and special ingredients mixed together in our blenders for an incredible taste combination. (Did I say "special ingredients?" Nah, sorry, it's just Kraft singles and Wonder Bread.) And to simulate the grilled cheese and tomato soup experience, all our meals are served in cracked, unwashed cereal bowls and 1987 Miami Dolphins plastic plates originally offered by the Mobil corporation and washed down with either a glass of near-expiration milk or half a can of flat Pepsi. Say Tomato and Cheese isn't just a restaurant, it's a whole new experience in dining! And coming in fall 2005: Ramental Illness, the world's craziest prepackaged noodle bar!

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