New feature: the MP3 o' the Week. Each week, or thereabouts, I'll post a new MP3 from my collection and a brief description/review/self-indulgent ramble about the song. Here is this week's selection, "Prince Valium" by Joe Pernice, off his 2000 album Big Tobacco. Pernice is the best songwriter going in America today, as far as I'm concerned, and this song is a perfect example of the Pernice formula: cynical, bitter lyrics tied to a beautiful, soaring pop chorus.

Time for another installment of Fun with Hotmail. And possibly coming soon: Fun with Referrals.

FWD: it CAN rise (A positive mental attitude is the first step in overcoming erectile dysfunction.)

Dirty Deeds (I didn't open the e-mail to find out if these dirty deeds were, indeed, done dirt cheap.)

This Camera Makes A Fantastic Endowment (The unholy marriage of the X10 spam and the penis lengthening spam. When they merge with the bisexual cam girls spam, the result will be a truly unstoppable force.)

Wanna become a professional bingo player? (Sorry, ever since my ill-fated foray into professional canasta, I've been jaded by the big money, high stakes world of professional sports.)

what does she say about the length of your (OK, nothing special about this, but the sender is "erin moran." Joanie, no!)

Outrageous nutty hotties ("Nutty"? I'm envisioning naked women wearing novelty nose glasses and doing Jerry Lewis impressions. Let's just move on.)

Split her cum muffler apart ("Cum muffler" makes me laugh. So sue me.)

Here's a link to my MP3 playlist, which I'll update from time to time. And if you want to swap MP3s, e-mail me at the address to the side or flag me down on WinMX. (I'd be particularly interested in MP3s from the Pebbles garage rock series, obscure psych, rockabilly, 50's r&b/rock and roll, etc. etc.)

You've undoubtedly noticed the ads at the top of this blog and every other blog run by freeloaders at Blogspot. I'd like to take this opportunity to review some of the ads I've had on this blog and see if they meet the strenuous standards needed to receive the Vitamin B Glandular Show's coveted "Eh, It's OK" seal of customer tolerance.

- Jimmy Reed CD. I heartily endorse this product - Jimmy Reed was a fine bluesman and one of the key architects of the urban blues and r&b that was later cannibalized in the invention of rock and roll. I own this, which is apparently out of print, but just get a Jimmy Reed CD with "Bright Lights, Big City" and "Ain't That Lovin' You Baby" and you'll be all right.

- "Learn How to Play Like Eric Clapton" guitar instructional thingy. I don't recommend this. Clapton was always overrated (aside from Cream and "Bellbottom Blues"), and if you want to ape an old blues guitar player, pick one of the ones that Clapton ripped off.

- Old fashioned ice cream maker. Yeah, OK, if you're into that kind of thing. I just wish they called it "Fantabulous Old Fashioned Ice Cream Contraption" or something similarly archaic.

- American Cancer Society. I am firmly against cancer, and if that offends anyone, then so be it. Some things just need to be said.

- Buy CD at Amazon - U2, Santana, David Gray. OK, I use Amazon at times, but c'mon. This blog is not responsible for any physical damage or mental distress that may result from purchasing a Santana or David Gray CD.

- Beds and mattresses. I have no objection to these items. Personally, I don't use them, since I always fall asleep in the corner of the room in the fetal position weeping. But if you're one of those "bed people," then go buy one.

I recently read a couple of John Updike’s Rabbit novels. While I appreciate Updike’s wordsmithery, the overall effect after reading them is somewhat underwhelming. First off, Rabbit Angstrom is a rather unredeemable and uninteresting protagonist - too self-absorbed and manipulative to connect with emotionally, too shallow and unreflective to be one of those characters you’d hate in real life but appreciate for their insight on a fictional stage. I’m not asking for a white hat to root for, but you’ve got to give me somebody who’s got some qualities in their favor, else I’ll be wishing for mass carnage and destruction halfway through just to ward off the tedium.

Another problem I have with these novels is the lack of characterization given to the female characters. Women in the Rabbit novels are presented as shallow cardboard figures, obstacles in Rabbit’s way as he pursues what he wants. (For that matter, most of the other male characters are portrayed in a similar manner, but even the reverend that tries to set Rabbit straight is better characterized than Rabbit’s wife or girlfriend.) At least give the reader a greater idea about the effects that Rabbit’s manipulations have on other people, if nothing else.

When it comes to pre-JFK assassination American middle class angst, I prefer Raymond Carver over Updike. Carver had a knack for poignant characterization and the ability to capture the isolating aspects of modern life that’s more resonant for me than Updike’s somewhat detached perspective.

Another Peoplesforum-inspired entry - here are my 25 favorite albums at this particular moment, in rough chronological order, subject to change at any moment based on personal whims:

Skip James, Complete Early Recordings 1930
various artists, Masters of the Delta Blues - The Friends of Charlie Patton
Thelonious Monk, Genius of Modern Music vol. 1 and 2
Howlin’ Wolf, The Chess Box
Chuck Berry, The Great Twenty Eight
Miles Davis, Round About Midnight
Hank Mobley, Soul Station
John Coltrane, Giant Steps
Jerry Butler, Best of
Pink Floyd, Piper at the Gates of Dawn
Rolling Stones, Let it Bleed
Stooges, Fun House
Al Green, Greatest Hits
Steely Dan, The Royal Scam
The Clash, s/t (US version)
Wire, Chairs Missing
Mission of Burma, Signals Calls and Marches
X, Los Angeles
Gang of Four, Solid Gold
The Fall, Grotesque
Pavement, Slanted and Enchanted
Afghan Whigs, Gentlemen
Scud Mountain Boys, Massachusetts
Radiohead, OK Computer
Dismemberment Plan, Emergency and I

Best Songs About Trying to Convince a Young Woman to Give Up Prostitution

1. “I Want to Help You Ann,” Lyres
2. “Roxanne,” Police

Well, a professionally mandated good time was had by all at this weekend's annual VBGS Corporate Retreat and Muffin Bakeoff. We bonded through trustbuilding exercises like "Credit Card Number Roulette" and "Let Your Wife Sleep With Peterson in Marketing." We listened to professional motivational speaker Brad McMichaels, who informed us that "motivation is the onion in the hamburger of success." (Or some equally tortured metaphor like that; honestly, there was a pretty good buzz going in the room at that point, so who knows.) Drunken admissions of mutual affections, barely contained hostility and bitter morning after recriminations were the order of the day. Now, we're rested and ready to provide more faintly bemusing bloggertainment (Like that? Just one of the many buzzwords you can look forward to in the coming year) to the four or five people who stumble onto this site each week. Also, we promise that this is the last entry where we use the royal we.

Three things that rule at this given location in the time-space continuum:

1. Ben and Jerry's brownie batter ice cream. I almost gave up on Ben and Jerry's after they tried switching over all their flavors to that "2-Twisted" format, but they've finally come through with a delicious new flavor. Not quite as salmonellicious as real brownie batter, but an acceptable simulacrum nevertheless.

2. Only three months until season 3 of Mr. Show comes out on DVD. I don't need to tell you that you need to own this, right? Best season of the funniest sketch comedy show ever. (Yes, I rank Python a close second, though I might feel differently if I came of age in 70's England instead of 90's America.)

3. New Radiohead album. Haven't heard all of it, but approve greatly of what I've heard so far. I'm still a OK Computer loyalist over Kid A and Amnesiac; too much meandering atmospherics on the last two albums, and the new album sounds more like the former than the latter.

This blog will be on hiatus for the next week while the author fails the CPA exam. Here are some exciting features in the works that will debut after I return:

- clever observations about airplane food, the differences between men and women, and why white people are so stiff and uptight

- the long awaited conclusion to the “Ed Gein Joins the Cast of ‘Trading Spaces’” sketch

- political commentary guaranteed to reinforce your preexisting opinions and stimulate no original thought or insightful debate

- a complete guide to which C-list celebrities are gay and straight (hint: huge shocker about Britt Ekland)

- excerpts from my one man show, Lovers Lane, about the tempestuous love life of pro bowling legend Earl Anthony

- a full listing of all the plot holes in the Nancy Drew mystery novels

- full frontal nudity

In honor of the warmer weather, I've compiled a list of the songs that most remind me of spring. These songs were meant to be played loud on a car stereo in 70 degree weather, or heard through the car window of someone parked at a 7-11 on a spring day. This list is heavily weighted towards 60's pop and 70's r&b, which are the two most springlike genres to my ears.

“A Beautiful Morning,” and “A Girl Like You,“ Rascals.
“Gold Soundz,” Pavement.
“I Wanna Be With You” and “Go All the Way,” Raspberries.
“I Do Love You,” Billy Stewart.
“American Girl,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
“Tell Her She’s Lovely,” El Chicano.
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice” and “God Only Knows,” Beach Boys. (The rest of Pet Sounds is a late fall album, too melancholy to be springtime music. But "Wouldn't It Be Nice" and "God Only Knows" strike that perfect balance between sweet pop ecstacy and an underlying hint of sadness and dread.)
“Sparky’s Dream,” Teenage Fanclub.
“My Cherie Amour,” Stevie Wonder.
“Could It Be I’m Falling in Love,” Spinners.
“Back of a Car,” Big Star.
“Box Full of Letters,” Wilco.
“She Bangs the Drums,” Stone Roses.
“Lovely Day,” Bill Withers.
“Tangerine,” Led Zeppelin.

A list of lesser known urban legends. Please, spread them around to your coworkers and associates. Let a hundred fraudulent memes bloom.

- The proceeds from the sales of those flower seeds they used to advertise in comic books went to fund neo-Marxist rebel insurgencies in Latin America.

- "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" was originally called "My Big Fat Canadian Wedding." They had to change the name after Alan Thicke backed out at the last moment.

- Everyone knows the side effects of Coke, but most people don’t know that consumption of RC Cola has been directly linked to the increased likelihood of purchasing Molly Hatchet tapes and “If It Smells Like Fish, Eat It” can coolers.

- “Grit” was discontinued when their reporters got too close to the truth about the Kennedy assassination coverup.

- This one guy I knew once? Well, a friend of his totally got all wasted on Robitussin and tequila, and ran into this old lady’s car, right? And it turned out that she, like, owned the company that made Robitussin, or something, and the company paid him all this money to keep it a secret, ‘cause drinking lots of Robitussin totally fucks you up. Swear to God, man.

- If you dial the keyboard riff from Lipps Inc.’s “Funkytown” on a telephone, you’ll be connected to Henry Kissinger’s private phone line.

- The Newlywed Game urban legend is actually true. But they never showed Bob Eubanks' seven minute rant directed at the "filthy sodomite whore."

Recently, I bought a copy of the two episodes of Next!, the unaired Bob Odenkirk sketch comedy pilot for Fox. (By recently, I mean January. I'm a little stuck for things to write about at the moment, so sue me.) It's a fairly funny show, although obviously not even close to the quality of Mr. Show. It was vaguely reminiscent of a faster paced Ben Stiller Show, heavy on pop culture parodies rather than the absurdist sketches that Mr. Show (and Python) relied upon.

Highlights included a R&B singer (played by Jerry Minor) singing a ballad to the American flag (then getting caught in bed with the Panamanian flag), a reverse parody of "Inside the Actor's Studio" with Fred Armisen as a condescending German interviewer who insults his guests, and a progressively more ridiculous series of ads for drugs with severe side effects. The format was a little awkward - the sketches are broken up into three or four segments that repeat throughout the show, which hurts the comedic rhythm of some of the scenes. Both episodes also have a Weekend Update-esque fake newscast that doesn't really work. But it was a lot funnier than any sketch comedy out there right now (with the notable exception of "Chappelle's Show"), and it's a shame that Odenkirk didn't get a chance to fully develop the show.

Oh, I guess it's Easter or something, so I should post something about that. I don't get any time off of work for Easter and I'm not religious, so it doesn't mean anything to me. Plus, Easter candy sucks. Those Cadbury eggs are just too sickly sweet, and I'm convinced that marshmallow Peeps are one of those things that people don't really like but eat just because they're expected to for the holidays, like eggnog or cranberry sauce. Peeps are one step above circus peanuts on the candy food chain.

So there you go, a refutation of a religious holiday based on candy quality and my own personal whims. Next week - why Passover is overrated, and a four part diatribe on why Ramayan Week bites it hard.

Best cliches I use on a regular basis:
- Their early stuff was better.
- Yeah, you’ve got to read the foreign papers to find out what’s really going on in this country.
- I can't stand most Hollywood movies. They're all too predictable and unoriginal.
- (tie) Existence is a cold, pitiless void, with the sole redeeming factor being our individual mortality / You should really try the pie here.
- No, I don't mind staying late to work. (editor's note: this is a lie)
- It’s not you, it’s me.
- I can't feel anything below my knees.
- Chain restaurants are homogenous and bland. Locally owned restaurants are always better.
- Bush is a dickhead.
- We live as we dream, alone.

As I mentioned last time, I’ve been forcibly exposed to hours and hours of Christian contemporary music at my current workplace. As a result, I’ve noticed a few general trends in this genre that most people are fortunate enough to avoid.

- As many other people have noted, most Christian pop songs are just secular pop songs with God in the place of a man/woman as the object of the singer’s affections. I’ll spare you an 800 word essay on the parallel between the idealized and unreal form of love in secular pop songs and the idealized and unreal worship of an imaginary god.

- The gospel/soul influence has been completely removed, and what you have left is an incredibly shined, buffed, white musical experience. Even modern adult contemporary isn’t quite as stultifyingly dull as this stuff. It’s more than a little strange to me. C’mon, even Ned Flanders did the Bump once, are you telling me that this is really what uber-Christians want to hear all of the time? And why try to lose the influence of gospel music, which is one of the all time great cultural contributions of organized religion? Has gospel really been that sullied by its influence on blues and rock and roll?

- Lots of recycled melodies. I’ve heard songs that knock off “Candle in the Wind,” “Dance with Me” by Orleans, and “Somewhere” from West Side Story, just to name a few. Mostly major key, semi-up tempo, “uplifting” music.

- Children often die young in Christian pop songs. (I guess this is Sudden Emotional Manipulation Syndrome, the same tragic ailment that felled Bobby Goldsboro’s wife in “Honey” and the narrator in “Seasons in the Sun,” among others.)

- While I’m obviously not the target market here, I still wonder why this stuff has to be so dull and tedious. I’m sure there are great songs to be written about spiritualism and internal religious conflict and all of that. CCM is a nonstop rah-rah everything is great go Jesus kind of experience that’s ultimately not very revealing or moving in any sort of way. Instead of this, Christian stations should start playing 60’s free jazz - Coltrane’s later stuff, Albert Ayler, Archie Shepp, etc. - which is a lot more moving and successful in expressing spiritual uplift. But I’m not holding my breath.

I’m currently working at a client that is owned and operated by a fundamentalist Christian. There’s God propaganda all over the place, nothing but Christian music on the office sound system, and the guy can’t go two sentences without mentioning Jesus. Since this is quickly driving me insane, I’m going to devote two entries to God and Christianity and whatnot.

I’m an apatheist. I don’t believe in God, but I don’t really think about religion at all. The appeal of religion completely escapes me, since I’m one of those sorta-existentialist types who actually finds some comfort in the fact that nothing really matters and life is finite and inconsequential and we’re all just dust in the wind, man, that’s all we are. Generally, though, I don’t really care about someone’s religion one way or the other, as long as they’re not trying to destroy the church/state barrier. But when I have to hear about it again and again, it makes me want to carve a pentagram in my forehead and vomit pig’s blood from my mouth just to persuade the religionist to write me off as a lost cause and leave me alone. Same thing with politics (the more exposure to right wingery I get, the more left wing my opinions become) and telemarketing (I once spent three weeks living in a shotgun shack just to spite someone who called to try to get me to switch to MCI). I'm not averse to changing my mind (but not about religion, or long distance phone service), but you have to give me space and make me believe, right or wrong, that I'm the one who's making the final decision.

So, to sum up: God - indifferent. Arguing - bad. Unwavering focus on one topic - bad. Respecting my right to not be annoyed - good. Dan Quayle - still gaining acceptance. Coming up in part two of God Week - a look into the soft, seamy underbelly of Christian contemporary music.

Three things that rule etc. blah:

1. Not having to work Saturdays for the rest of 2003. My favorite thing to do in life is sleep in on weekend mornings, now I have twice the weekly somnambulary pleasure. I have a lot of nights of 5-6 hours of sleep from the past 3 1/2 months to make up for.

2. This bootleg of the late standup comedian Bill Hicks berating a crowd in Chicago. (Try Track 19 for the piece de le resistance.) The fact that he sounds so sincere that his voice cracks in the middle of his "kill everybody, Hitler had the right idea" rant kills me every time.

3. Devils up 2-0 on the Bruins. It's hard to get excited about a first round series against a mediocre team like the Bruins - if the Devils win, they're supposed to win; if they don't, it's a horrific choke. But it's a promising sign that Brodeur seems to be at the top of his game again and the power play is finally showing some signs of life. I'd feel more confident if another player (ie, Patrik Elias) stepped up offensively, though.

I watched the PBS documentary on "Strange Fruit," the 1930's anti-lynching song most famously done by Billie Holiday. A fascinating look at one of the great cultural achievements of the 20th century in any art form. While the documentary somewhat overstated the social significance of “Strange Fruit” (ie, I doubt many people’s minds were changed about lynching from the song itself), it captured some of the reasons why the song is still resonant seven decades later.

"Political" songs tend to fail because music is an inherently emotionally fueled medium. You can't exactly use a song to explain in a logical sense why someone should rally in support of a particular cause. (The failed U2 single “Relieve Third World Debt (Because Struggling Third World Countries Need the Money for Infrastructure and Education)” is a case in point.) So political songs have to rely on stirring up an emotional response. Generally, this approach devolves into glib, mindless sloganeering and finger pointing. (See: 50’s lefty folk music, Rage Against the Machine, “God Bless the U.S.A.”) “Strange Fruit” is successful because it conjures up a simple yet chilling image and allows the listener to draw their own conclusions.

What really makes "Strange Fruit" memorable to me, though, is the original performance by Billie Holiday. While the song itself is well-constructed melodically and grotesquely evocative lyrically, every subsequent version lacks the visceral punch and overwhelming sense of mourning, dread and anger that Holiday delivers. Even the Nina Simone version, which is scarifying in its own way, doesn't quite capture that same atmosphere. It’s the combination of the musical backing, an ominous minor key low-fi dirge, and Holiday’s bitter and pained delivery. And the way she delivers the line “here is a strange and bitter crop” at the song’s conclusion is breathtaking - like a collective howl of release after a hundred years of silence. I’ve listened to this song probably a hundred times, and it still gives me chills each time.

The heated cartoon debate over at Peoplesforum has inspired me to create this, the Official Guide of What to Think About Old Cartoons:

Warner Brothers - It does not get better than Bugs Bunny. I could fill a dozen blog entries with classic shorts: the Barber of Seville, the opera episode, the hillbilly hoedown, the gremlins, etc. etc. I prefer the early, psychotic Daffy Duck to the later, failed conman Daffy Duck, but both had their moments. The Wile E. Coyote shorts took a limited premise and creatively kept it going for a long time, which is a damn hard thing to do. I'm not much for Sylvester and Tweety, mainly because I hate that damn smug little bird, although the Hitchcock parody was genius. Pepe LePew sucked.

Jay Ward - poor animation, yes, but incredibly clever and inventive. "Rocky and Bullwinkle" is one of those rare series that works on a kids' level and an adults' level. Even now, I'm still amazed by the amount of sophisticated comedy (mixed with groaningly-obvious-yet-still-funny wordplay) that's in these shows.

Disney - some of the old shorts aren't bad. "Fantasia" is a justifiable classic. I prefer the Carl Barks comics to the cartoons, though.

Tex Avery - While I respect the guy for creating Daffy Duck and Droopy, his own stuff was way, way overrated. Same gags over and over again. Yeah, yeah, it's a horny wolf leering at a curvaceous woman. I get it.

MGM - The early Tom and Jerrys are great - honestly, I prefer them over Sylvester and Tweety. And Droopy was a great character. Otherwise, not much here.

Universal - Woody Woodpecker is a serious contender with Tweety for Most Obnoxious Cartoon Bird of All Time. Just let them both get sucked into a jet intake, already.

Hanna Barbera - The early Jetsons are actually pretty funny. The Flintstones aren't funny once you hit 11. Scooby Doo is good for cheap laughs when you're a stoned teenager, but you wouldn't actually want to sit down and watch it again at this point. Otherwise, Hanna Barbera was a total crap factory.

Terrytoons - Heckle and Jeckle? Mighty Mouse? At least Terrytoons helped thousands of general managers at low rent, poorly rated UHF TV stations keep their jobs by providing them with cheap afternoon kid fodder.

Still somewhat sick, tired, cranky, busy and writer's blocked. Back to regular but sporadic updates about things only interesting to me in a bit.

In the meantime, what the hell happened to Google today? I tried googling a few things and I got something like 500,000 hits, most of them only containing one of the words I searched for and a whole lot of useless crap. It gave me unpleasant Altavista flashbacks. One of my favorite hobbies is googling random words and phrases and looking at the incredibly random results. Please don't tell me that I'm going to have to find something more productive to do with my time.